This week, I’m fully focusing on the Lead With Curiosity jumpstart week plus keeping up with the discussion forums in Coaching as a Leadership Skill at Library Juice Academy.

I was thinking about taking a week off, but then I got some feedback about this post in particular that made me decide it’s worth a re-run!

I originally shared it in January 2024. I'd love to hear how it lands for you!

Someone asked this question:

Unfortunately, a lot of us are walking around with baggage from past bosses. The fact that she shared that with you suggests that you have built at least some trust already. But, getting critical feedback can be difficult for everyone, and that baggage definitely makes that worse.

So, first of all, for every person that I’ve seen recommend using the “compliment sandwich” approach, I’ve heard at least one other person refer to it as the “bullshit sandwich”. I don’t know whether that approach used to be more effective, but now, it’s so well known that it can come across as disingenuous. I know that’s not your intent, but that can often be the impact.

Or, rather than seeming disingenuous, the fact that you need to wrap this feedback in compliments may communicate to this employee that the negative feedback is so bad that you need to buffer it. After dealing with “very harsh managers”, who I’m imagining probably blew things out of proportion, some people learn to internalize that to prepare themselves for the worst.

So when you say: “I really liked the poster you made for that upcoming program. I did notice a typo, though. But the rest was really good!”

That can get blown out of proportion into: “I need to reassure you so that you don’t freak out, but that typo totally ruined the poster, and now it doesn’t make any sense.”

Trauma isn’t rational, and that’s what a lot of people have after dealing with abusive managers.

So how would I handle this using a coaching approach?

Before offering feedback, how often do you ask your employee to assess their own work?

Running with the example of the typo in a poster, this could sound like: “I noticed that your new poster is up! How do you think it turned out?”

Judging by the number of times I’ve proofread an email, hit send, and THEN seen the typo, she may tell you about the typo herself.

We’re often our own worst critics, so she may already be beating herself up about that thing that you’re planning to give her critical feedback about. And giving her space to tell you about it herself shifts you into the position of being able to just focus on supporting her in moving forward: “What do you want to do differently next time?” or “What support would you like to have available next time?”

Given the workplace trauma she has, though, it may take a while for her to feel safe admitting to a mistake. It’s also possible that she didn’t realize she made a typo.

In that case, how you proceed may depend on how significant the “typo” is.

Is this something really small that you can let slide, to focus on building a culture of embracing mistakes as lessons before you worry about every little detail, or do you really need to address this specific thing? I’m not judging either way, because there are a lot of factors involved here. It’s up to you to critically evaluate your unique context.

If it really is something small, like an actual minor typo, and especially if it’s a one-time thing instead of a regular pattern, how could you encourage her to think about what could be improved next time in a way that wouldn’t feel threatening to her?

I’m picturing a scenario in which I share that I’m working on developing a new approach that really emphasizes reflective practice in order to pay attention to how I can do things better next time, and then encourage her to do the same. But, that may not fit your context, so do what fits.

(Of course, make sure you’re being honest - I’m assuming you’re here because you want to develop more of a coaching approach, which emphasizes reflective practice and continually learning to do better next time because perfection doesn’t exist in the real world! And modeling this approach will say a lot more than your words ever can.)

If it is something that needs to be addressed, to quote Brené Brown, “clear is kind”. Instead of obscuring it in a sandwich, explain clearly what you observed and why it matters in as nonjudgmental language as possible, and then ask for your employee’s perspective and what would help them improve. So:

“I noticed one small typo on the poster. Normally, a small typo wouldn’t be a big deal, but this one changed the meaning of the sentence. What do you think is the best way to fix this?”

And then, emphasize working to embrace mistakes as lessons, and ask how they’d like to improve their process for next time.

This part - actually having to point out a behavior that needs to be corrected - is the most difficult part, so here’s another example:

Two folks are working at the circulation desk. One is involved in an extended conversation with a single patron while a line is building up, and the other staff member is getting overwhelmed with trying to help people as quickly as possible to get the line under control.

If this employee that we’ve been talking about was the one involved in the long conversation, you could open a discussion with: "I noticed that you were engaged in a long conversation with one patron while a line of other patrons was building up. What was going on there?"

That scenario opens up way more possible explanations for what was happening than just a typo, so it’s more natural to ask her perspective on that scenario before moving into how to improve next time!

Taking time to get her perspective on why she stayed focused on that one conversation, instead of jumping in to help her colleague get the line under control, will help to build trust simply by showing that you care about her perspective. Sometimes just feeling heard can make a huge difference.

And, where things go from there will depend on what was going on for her.

Even with this approach, it may take a while for the fear to go away. But consistently asking for her perspective and what she sees as the path forward, and then respecting those choices and providing resources if at all possible (whether that’s your time to talk through ideas with her, additional training, some new software, or whatever)...

All of that’s going to eventually build trust that you really do want to support her professional development.